My new hours have really given me reign to induldge myself in my natural mode as a creature of the night... It is clear that my engine is driven on the things that happen after the sun goes down..

I must tell you that this has given me newfound love for the dark, and a dear love for the fall period. Round these parts, a nice soothing 62 degrees.. and just a TOUCH of a cold wind out of the north. For me, just a few more degrees and i would have to go to wearing something warmer... but right here shorts are still perfect.

I let myself walk into that at hours of 4... 5 in the morning. A walk ... to clear the head.. I dont know why i dont feel any fear doing this, i just dont. I do have enough of a physical prescence that given the fact that I AM the one out at 5 am... i AM the wierdo who is out at this hour.

the summer, well, here it can still be 95 degrees at night, and while i enjoy a hot summers night every once in a while, at that heat level its only mild relief from the Opressive summer weather.. 100 degrees plus... not a cloud in the sky. I am tempered enough to be able to work in this... but enjoy it... not so much. However, given the right pool/water situation, there is some serious good times to be had on a hot summer night.

Winter... well you know actually, i do enjoy the cold... to an extent. If you ever notice a winter sky seems brighter, and there is something to that cold air--- it brings me to an alert state at night. When everything becomes to much, i can always escape outside. No one dare follow you, in the wildest of times, when i need to be alone, be by myself, the winter night always had a place for me.


Spring... well,,, thats a hard one for me to explain to you. I love it, and yet its my least favorite. Altho, around here, there is nothing more spectacular than a springtime thunderstorm in Texas for letting you know EXACTLY where you stand in the scheme of things

. Well its the exact opposite, and the exact twin of fall in my opinion, and its where your taste lies in where it makes the difference. Springtime is when things come to life, and for you that call the nightime your home, its the time when you must share the night with a lot of other out there.

Im not wired that way..

In the Fall, theres this sense of.... ok.. dare i say... death? But not Death in a way you have to fear--- just part of the cycle. Things have lived thier lives this year, they are going in peace, just enjoy the peace.

when i walk during this time of year, there is more a sense of "one" that right now, im the only living thing walking these parts. the sound of crunching leaves under your feet announcing yourself to noone in particular.

I used to hate this time of year... hated it. As time goes by tho, and you have time to let wounds from LONG ago heal up, you see things for what they are even if they happen just to you. Life...death.. rebirth... just like everything else on this planet.

So i just walk in the night, the stars keep me company. Actually, i know the constellation Orion has kept me company for years, its always displaying prominently this time of year. That north wind is just barely blowing...almost like a whisper that a change is coming.And i think... i think of this.. i think of that.. i think of you ... i think of them.. There... here... Cowboys win.. Cowboys lose..... does she.... will she... am i... will i? And i do this without interupption, without pause, without care.

I dread to see that sight when the dark veil of night begins to lighten... the sun approaches, and there im SEEN! Oh no... I will have to explain myself to these people who i am and why im here.... 20,000 pointless "good mornings" to people you dont know, but you have to say it to them because they said it to YOU.... see???? not even fully into the day and your starting with LIES and DECEPTION. you dont know who these people are, and you really dont give a FUCK if they have a good morning. no no... give me my solitude of the night. I can be whoever the hell i want then, because the night... it just accepts me as i am.

And who could ask for more than that?

So.. I find out thru the grapevine that an old ghost in my life has apparently not learned anything from history... and that my old friend from the past just got nailed with a possession of a controlled substance charge.... based on what I know.. this isn't a joint we are talkin about. We are talkin ice... and cops don't play round wit that shit... nor should they.. this shit was a point of contention and a major factor why I walked. in the end I didn't trust her and it turns out my fears were confirmed. But this is not about that.

This is person who's wronged me.. taken advantage and driven me away. The problem is that upon hearing the news... my reaction remains a mixture of sadness and pity and total frustration at her. I don't know why it is... and I'm this way with many things.... anger does not stay in my heart. I'm not angry with her.. I probably should be but its just not there. I'm not helping her in any way.. but part of me thinks I should have a smug sense of satisfaction at her predicament... but all I feel is confused.. How can you continue on like this? Can you NOT see where this path takes you?

I should be angry but all I want is for her to find her own way to the light... we all have demons to deal with and my place is not to sit in judgement. Do not panic... this is not me jumping back into the fire... I'm done..

And I find I am that way with most... wrong me and I will move along... not with anger but pity in my heart... how could you wrong ME??? Obviously you must not know me because if you did.... you would know that I'm the one that will. Be there when all else have gone. You need that person to throw you the lifeline an pull? That's what I am. Perhaps you saw something else but.. your emotions cloud your own vision. In time.. maybe you will see.. but only time can heal you now. And in time should you see that.. seek me out. Ill be here.

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Ok, so now im on full tilt poker.. playing real money, but small dollar tourneys  3.50 entry--- 90 entrants.  I begin now to wonder about full tilt as i am ONE hand from the money table, and i have had to build up not ONCE.. but TWICE after failing to win a hand that i went ALL IN pre flop with pocket A's.  Surely not a third time right?  Pocket A's fall to me again and i BEAUTIFULLY move someone into a check trap. I check, he goes all in, i call. he turns over 10-9 offsuit. HELL Ya!   Turn... a 9.  River... a 9.   Thats right. i made the cardinal mistake of going in against 10-9 holding only pocket Aces.   THREE TIMES in ONE TOURNAMENT.  I miss the money table by one position and realize that not only am i unlucky at love.. im just unlucky alltogether


Im gonna try to become better with these tourneys---  i do think im getting better and not playing the same kind of stupidity i used ta. The small tourney small risk is definately giving me an agression factor i think i can cultivate and do something with.  plus its just fun.  If anyone is into the poker phenomenon, i do reccomend Full tilt 3.50 tourneys...  Play money poker is all well and all, but NOBODY plays those games the way poker should be played.    a 3.50 tourney you can play  one tourney a day all week and have it cost you less than 20 bucks, and if you can just get to the money tables, you can even make it even out.   (Im not gonna even think about turning profit with it.. i just want to get BETTER) 

So.. i missed my flight, i hurt my knee... but  i dont think i could be happier.  

I missed the flight home, but as i sit here, just basking in what i can only say feels like...  contentment...  the truth is i probably wasnt READY to go home.  Which of course bothers the hell out of me.  

There is just so much missing in my life that is right here...   

Screamfest  is teaching my so much about ME as a person.  Just taking a look at my costumes alone you can throw me on the Freud couch... i totally loved the attention but it was tempered with safety,  behind a mask, no matter how hot.. how sweaty, i can cut loose, i can approach those i normally wouldnt, and more importantly those who would NEVER approach me.. do.   At least... those i THINK would never approach me.   And in  a warped way, once they knew whos behind the mask, i do think they are gonna WANT to know me.

It bothers me that i cant be more out in the open, but... despite all reassurances, part of me thinks if anyone saw ALL the skeletons in the closet, they couldnt stay, i couldnt blame them...   

Anything that could be said on this subject ive already heard, lack of self confidence... insecure.... blah blah blah.   yes.. all this i already know and INDEED you would be right, but until those things are sold at a 24 hour walmart, there is no immediate fix.  So these lil steps ahead are what im doing. 

I keep catching my failings MANY a time,  even over screamfest jealousy REARED its ugly head... im PROUD to say i reeled it in almost immediately to the point i felt GUILTY .... and then THAT was pulled back in... and my shot to totally whiteout the entire event was taken away from me.. so that of course is a regret of mine right now.

Yea..ok, so for a bit there i was jealous, yea yea, i said it.  yoooo know who you is.  But just as i think i know what it is YOUR seeking-- and i think i have it pegged... im seeking the same.... and if our roles were reversed i would have done the exact same thing.  No.. no not the whole love thing at all.. im not going for love at ALL anymore, not until i have done a whole lot more work on ME... not till im way more secure with who I am.

Im seeking just an adventure that goes where it goes, and that goes back to the mask thing.  Im seeking adventure... im seeking attention... I NEED the attention, but im not brave enough to do the same thing without the mask.   Going back to the "normal" life is just what im dreading.. im in the wrong place... i should be here..... Daytona i think would be a place for me.. a place to set up shop all my own, but... HERE.      Where i know my "sister" is and so much more.    I have work to complete in Dallas first. This i know.  2 years.  I know its not a long time, but....   well..  dont know. It is...            

yea... im a mess.

I'm trying an app called anypost which should do all the social sites at one time so... yes you will see a bunch of posts that yea you saw somwhere else... sooo deal wit it!

Damn.  knowing what i have to do and actually doing it are going to be tough sons of bitches to keep right in my head.  Im going to have to play out the villian role if im really going to do whats right. 

There are gonna have to be times I turn my back on the people that are calling for me.   Do i want to do it? No. 

Do i have to? yes.   The problem is, im in a situation where i barely have my head above water and as anyone can tell you, when you reach in to save a drowning person in that situation, they are just as liable to pull you under with them.   I have let people pull me in, and pull me under, taking way past more than what i actually have to give... and sadly.. turning to me for even more. 

You can think me a fool, but id rather go out knowing that  I did everything i could.  These things I do for me. Noone else.

Before some of you roll your eyes know indeed i have stayed the course, this is not the same old same old story, not what you think.   That old story appears to be finally done.  This is just one of those moments where im  looking over everything in my life, and realizing what it is i have to offer, and what people have been taking from me.. and noting how far out of balance they seem now, 

this makes my head hurt..  im not gonna be happy for quite some time.

I am NOT making this up.  This is an actual letter on the editorial page from todays Ft. Worth Star Telegram.


COWBOY COOL
I am a big fan of Tony Romo and aspire to be as cool as he.  I thought if i could get a hat just like his, that would do the trick.  Unfortunately, after visiting several official outlets for Dallas Cowboys merchandise, I couldnt find one. I found lots of hats that had the bill coming out the front, but none coming from out the back.

Frank "Paco" Peterson,
        Keller

Patrick Swayze?????            NOBODY puts CANCER in the CORNER!!! 

ok so like i would think it would be REALLY fucking cool to learn some kinda crazy kinda thing.... when you hear youll understand... 

I have been taking some time on my long overnights i have been reading up and trying to learn up on the tarot..... 

Ive learned a few things and im still totally green just kinda learning the cards.... but let me sum up my views on things... i do believe that there are things at work in the world that are beyond my understanding, and fate is simply where your choices take you.

So being that certain things are universal... love, loss, happiness, sadness, struggle... these are thBTWings that in some form or fashion apply to us all.  Things things have happened in the past... they are happening now, they will continue to happen  in the future.

So with that a look at each card from a GOOD deck each card will tell a story,  my job is to find the story... and how each story relates to that past.. present future.     i of course am leaving TONS out.. but the simplified version for someone who is still learning.

But how cool would it be to get GOOD at this.

BTW,,,,  in my first Celtic cross reading.. i stuck with something i could easily interpret.  How will my Cowboys do this year.


There is plenty of other stuff in this, but ill just leave you with this prediction based on what i READ. 


of course all the other cards in the spread led to this, but the OUTCOME which is the card in position 10.... THe King of pentacles.....Upright.

This means my Boys will find contentment in the season they have.  This reads to me as The Cowboys will make playoffs, and will put together a run, but will fall short of the ultimate prize. 

For contentment around these parts... swami Cuervo says look for the Cowboys to make the Second round of the playoffs, but lose.  The game will be a great one, but ultimately the Cowboys will fall there.  Many questions will be answered, meaning Romo seems poised to silence some critics, and some players in key roles will ease concerns about the future.  This bodes extremely well for players like Roy Williams, Martellus Bennett, Felix Jones... keep your eyes on those names.  Defensively... watch for the play of Anthony Spencer as his play opposite Demarcus Ware will play a key role in either  the success or the failure of the Cowboys not only this year but in the years to come.



See. now only someone as glitchy as me would take tarot cards and incorporate sports into it.

I still have to cheat and use some of the books to help me as i have found some differences in the decks out there.  While the deck i have the Major Arcana cards do seem to tell me a story... the minor arcana cards still just resemble playing cards to me.  because they  are simply the suit... pentacles, cups, wands, swords, cups...    in a fairly simple pattern.  

I suppose that  they some are better at pulling a moment out of this but....

I have seen other decks that have the minor arcana cards  in something outside of a standard simple pattern and I believe i might have better luck with those.  Still just saying something like that does make me believe i have found somethiing of a "hook" to this that might keep me interested.   Anyone else share an interest and be willing to share some insite?

 

VIP Spooky empire tickets. 

I got em bitches.     I fuckin RAWK.

SO yeah thats  so on.    just doin few odds and ends.  May be cheesy in the costume department but i so dont care.  Now im putting this as my diversion to focus my energys on and just go onfrom there.  

that and sports. Old reliables.  Sunday afternoon football is much welcome.  Also a welcome back to HD television.  Ill watch some movies just for the scenery becuase it looks so SQUEEEEE on HD.  and the ability to record some of those cool movies in HD. 

You wanna know what carries over REALLY well in HD?? Blues Brothers.    the car chase scenes are actually really well done.  I dunno thats one of my glitches now.. rewatching things just for the HD effect.  Id say i could quote Wall E... but i think if you can say "Wall-E " and "E-va" you do have the quotes down too.  

Been unfortunate enough to have to deal with someone REALLY into that Twilight/ stuff that has thus spawned cough*ripoff*cough Vampire Diaries i felt compelled to bring it up in a bitch session. They thought my perspective on it was funny so.... 

whats to tell.. underage lookin chicks... oooh ooh pale vampire guy women drool over.. improper sexual tension when you apply logic to the situation.... ooh i want to be vampire... i love you no no... almost bites... tension... i puke,

"
Now that was done from my phone text device so YEA thats my form of Text speak... Ive seen worse!

(I had to poke Dementia for that one back cause i said it.... realized it was funny later and said could you send me back that in a message??? my chat log was off!)  Sometimes im really the last to know im funny.

Anyway i may have some other stuff later. it might be a post whore night.

Well,.. on the continuing trend of things changing....  today was all about getting Scotty to and from .... ulp.. HIGH school. 

HIGH School?  Are you fucking kiddin me?   jeez im just ancient now.


anyway trying to flip the switch to night shift... tougher than i thougt, ive used my days off to help me out, but i had to take come catnaps so im still not there.

i think itll be ok....  the way things work, ill probably have a couple of months before im totally "used" to my new schedule and at after that, its gonna be zero fun for about 2 years.  So that being said something that looked like it had been totally off, plans started to look good afer some time off i had request came back approved unexpectedly.    It now means i have 9-13 off as it works out. 


Spooky Empire is 50 percent on....   

i have the time off, but until i have the money for the hotel and the flight, i wont say 100 percent committed. 

As i learned last year you dont have to have a "killer" costume (pardon the pun) to catch some attention...  Blade went over huge last year and was fairly cheap...  i have 2-3 ideas that are definately easily doable and not too expensive, and thats not including Gomez Addams if hes called upon,  That went over huge as well, but that was SO so because of Jess Mortica, and not my "Pajamagrams" Gomez addams.   I will invest in a real pinstripe suit this time. 

I am bummed that it does not appear the Ghost Hunters guys will do Screamfest this year, checked out thier site and i see them at Dragoncon, but they appear booked already for other stuff at the time of  Screamfest and that was the major draw i was trying to use to get my sister to actually go. 

she definately needs to get out of her shell, and i think the sheer "people observation" opp she would have a good time. PLUS.. i could use  a break costwise.  wecoulda  split a room ...



So if there are screamfest folks still thinkin about going,  yes i snore, badly.. but... ill provide earplugs and free access to the booze that im buying! (there will be plenty)

insert your word of choice here...


Anyway, after having a computer go boom, the continuing car miserys, (The temporary solution of the van ended up setting my back 2500 or so over the past 4 or so months)  i have been out of touch. I literally have no clue  how any of yall have been doing.  I have tons of catching up to do. 

As for me??  feh.. well.  i have no regrets.  Yea, you can bitch at me. Mistake? maybe.. Probably.    But opportunity was there.  See, a newly clean Heather offered up a place to stay that was like 6 exits from my work place.   Let me again say.. about this i have NO regrets.  In fact i was extremely proud of her for cleaning herself up, and she did do in fact just that.  

But- it didnt work out. Thats it. thats all there is to it.   

again, i have NO regrets about any of this...NONE.  Especially because it has given me new drive and purpose.   going forward, i am moving over  to a night shift job starting next week... im taking about 3 months to get used to the new hours, in which time, i will have something hammered out financing a new car, as the AC has gone out on the van, and  im done puting money into that. time to sweat it, and use it as motivation to keep me on target.   by that time, iwill have figured out how to deal with night schedule.  

then im going back to school.   Respiratory therapy.   This is something deeply personal to me and has always been somethng i have thought about doing for a long long time.      its a 2 year program that leads to a world of OTHER possibilites later, its also a job that you can pick up a paper and see that people are offering 5000, 7500 sign on bonuses to fill.  Technology may change, but people will always need to breath.   plus.... the shool im eyeballing?  has campuses here, and in Ft Lauderdale and Miami.......     if i have the money  i think a change in location could do me WORLDS of good--- and there is even a small possibility that i could transfer to one of those schools in a year.

I can tell you more if you havent given up on me already.. but... i know ive been wrong.  Even tho, i know i was wrong, i tell you once again, i have no regrets on ANYTHING.  there are things i have to find out for myself, and i still am in the process of learning them all. 

If you are still here with me? know that yea, i am coming out wounded and scarred but better for it.  If you still love me? then know that I have another mountain ahead of me to climb, but im willing to put in the work to make this happen,  its time and effort... the effort i can give, but the time in between??  If you love me then put it into your "prayers or thoughts"  for me to find contentment NOW.  Let me find peace in my decisions going forward, and what i will obviously have to leave behind to make it happen. 

I have no regrets because if all that has transpired was what had to happen to motivate myself... then it did serve a purpose. 

back home now.    Dr released me as i was apparently back up to specifications on my body fluids.  i have to keep drinking a lot of liquids but they gave me a prescription for a z pack and something to help fight the coughing pain-----  guifianison--otherwise known as roobitussin----but with Hydrocodine!!!!  Ahhh.  sorry i cant help but smile at that last word because i am writing to you while fully feelin the effects. 

needless to say im feeling MUch better.   This and the zpack ill have beaten this stuff,,, again, 

they also gave me some prednisone.. i took my required dosage today, but im not so sure but dumping that stuff quick.. that stuff has given me problems in my life.

but im home again, and ok.

Like being put in the hospital... 


yup, i guess NOW i can catch up with some stuff cause i done put myself in the hospital.   All that crap i could NOT get out of my lungs from a week ago has pulled me down with Pnuemonia.  (butchered spelling)    Its been humid... muggy, and raining every other day or two so its just been a total nightmare.    I finally went to the ER last night and they decided to keep me over.   Im waiting on the doc so maybe i can beg him to let me out of here..    

I CANT stand hospitals.  

I figure the other portion is they figure i was a couple quarts low on vital liquids.     I am feeling MUCH better and the fever i had is gone so im hopeful that MAYBE i can get the fuck out of here.  

inm twitchy as fuck right now. 

On the plus side  they do have a wireless internet setup in this wing and i got them to bring me my laptop. I reinstalled full tilt poker and to my suprise i had a real money account that still had 20 bucks on it.   Got myself into a 10 dollar tournament and walked out with 50 bucks.   Nice to know i still have some skill.  think ill go play that some more till they  come take some more blood from me.  Im being told that my Doctor is coming around 8 tonight and MAYBE i can get out of here before they torture me with what they call Salsbury Steak for dinner.   Oh who am i kiddin... I Am NOT eating that even if i AM stuck here.

Well folks.. realized its been way too long and I'm probably in enough trouble already so time to update this thing.

First and foremost it was the total sum of what having your transmission go out on your vehicle to the tune of 1600 bucks plus the grind of having to arrange to get back and forth to work... leaving me scrambling to do so.. the end result of that... plus another 150 for an alignment and a replacment part on front end... leaving me to arrange work transportation again... plus being sick with the flu. Non swine. For 2 days. That's been what's taking up most of my time.

Well apart from coasting on fumes til friday (I have 14 bucks in the account to last til I get my check friday... ) I'm cool now... few more things to pay down, but manageable.

To be honest I haven't even had a chance to near my own computer in two weeks and I probably gonna hate myself when I look at all the stuff I missed on lj... y'all are just gonna have to forgive me....or just smack me on my ass or somethin.


P.s. this was written by some app on my phone called eljay...... which means I typed this whole thing on my phone. Which isn't easy for someone with big ass thumbs like me. Which is another reason its been awhile. Plus it randomly eats your entry if you hit the wrong button. So like 2 entries got eaten. I gave up for awhile.

Its one of those I must be an alien I dont fit here nights y'all. My deep thought of the night is that perhaps as I look out towards space trying to spot which star out there houses the solar system of my home planet... on that very planet is someone who ultimately belongs HERE. Which is just kinda offputting to me..... the Cosmic Castaway...

Been very wrapped up in me own betterment and the problems that ensue in that. Still making good forward progress but there is so much more work to do. But you'll be happy to know I don't mind it so much.

The coolest thing I can say about now is that with technology I have the ability to say "screw it all... I will just go home and talk to my online friends I don't have time for this foolishness!!

That's actually kept me out of trouble a lot....

Trying to reconcile how I'm ever gonna work out the whole " being with somebody " thing when I am cleary antisocial to the level that you could plop someone who looked like angelina jolie with me and if it started to be trouble all the time id bolt.

seriously you can ask about.... I just have to step out and be just by myself with noone talking to me even when I'm with people I genuinely like/love if even if its for 15 minutes. Screamfest comes to mind.

This is just a glitch in the software.. I've accepted it. I've got a weird perfect relationship.... I wanna be there for that certain someone....I just don't want to live together.

I mean we can see each other everyday and we can stay over for extended periods of time and stuff but at any time the well I gotta go bye card can be thrown down at anytime.

Sounds selfish but listen I know I am no day at the beach either. You'd seriously have to love me to put up with me on a daily.... I mean the snoring alone...
Even people that love me wanna kill me on that. Anybody I meet that likes me like THAT is gonna have to be cool with earplugs or an ipod.

I'm gonna look into a "procedure" to maybe help with that but not right away. Not at the expense of some other activities I wanna do.. like screamfest... maybe dc. Yah pleasure before business.

Women what is with the karaoke leanings to grease and gloria gaynor. Rhetorical. Don't answer

So I hear the rumor that Sam Jackson might be on the outs as Nick Fury.


Hmm.

Well I hear Terrance Howard is available....

Man I don't do this kinda thing much but sometimes you just got to stand slack jawed when someone does their job to such a level that you just pretty much have to claim them artists.

This goes to the pilot and crew of that us airways flight that lost BOTH engines and not only made the decision to ditch in the hudson river keeping god knows how many out of harms way... but did such a damn good job of it that the fucking plane may come out of it nearly 100 percent intact....zero deaths. Man. talk about wild blue yonder hero shit.....

And to the crew shit... man that plane was empty in like 90 seconds. Fuck! I don't wanna hear any shit about delays at the terminal in deplaning anymore!!! Hey a job well done ddeserves mention

Sick. Sick. Like you know your sick when your going to work because your fever is down to a mere 101. Its one of those type of sicks that has you turning your pillow over every 15 minutes because its cooler than the charcoal briquette you currently rest your head on. I blame this on the weather. I know that blaming the texas weather is cliche but its been even more sybill than usual this year. Like literally 80 degrees at one point and 8 hours later its 20. My winter coat has been in and out of the closet more times than Anne Heche.

Luckily tho with this new phone I can stay in my bed, surf, view vids , listen to music, yep even porn is a possibility with this phone. As we all know the ability to distibute on demand porn to all people at all times is the true watermark of a great society.

The good thing about being sick? Gets you out of stuff. I mean people won't bother you with every mundane repetitive problemb you have when you look like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag. I mean they do... but you can just cough... blow a snot bubble out your nose and they tend to back up off ya. Sometimes. Seriously I'm considering callin off the whole "wookin pa nub" thing in favor of the much more economical and far less demanding "fleshlight"